What I Wish I Knew

I have been a momma for 17 months. And although most days I can barely remember life without a child, relatively speaking 17 months is not a long time; so, before 17 months turns into 17 years, I want to chronicle some things while they are still fresh. With any luck they'll be useful to someone else, too. 

Here are five things I wish someone would have sat me down and said to me before I became a parent:

* Becoming a parent is indescribably beautiful. Whether you give birth to a child, adopt a child, or become a guardian in another way, any time a child comes into your life you are changed forever. While I was pregnant I heard much about sleepless nights, diaper explosions, and other horror stories that experienced parents inexplicably inflict onto soon-to-be parents; but, what I didn't know was that the joy, beauty, and wonder a child brings into your life is more than worth all of that other stuff. I am astounded at how much I absolutely love being a mom (see the post "Surprises"). It is a beautiful thing to pour into a little life and watch it grow.

* Take no one's advice. (Okay, someone did tell me this, but it is worth repeating.) God gave this child to you. You are the perfect parent for them, and they are the perfect child for you. Whether you call it providence, fate, or chance, your lives have crossed and you are the one(s) who will know this child best. Yes, there is much to be gleaned from the wisdom of others and there is certainly a place for that; however, at the end of the day you must make your own choices about how to raise your child. There is an intricate but elegant dance between the weight of this responsibility and the gift of its honor.

* There is no secret combo. This was an expectation I didn't know I had: if I have fed, burped, changed, swaddled, and soothed my baby, she should be happy. Right? WRONG. I think I knew this in theory, but in practice I was shocked! Why is my baby still crying after I have met every one of her needs that I can possibly think of? Why won't she go to sleep?! This is when you must remember the previous point. Your instinct is your best asset. Go with it. There isn't a secret combination to your child's happiness; and, just when you think you may have found one, it will change. Which leads me to my next thought...

* Murphy's Law becomes your new life rule. It becomes exponentially more true in your life when you have children. Think your situation can't get any worse? It will. Can it go wrong? It will. That day that you all have the stomach flu (the two-ender of course) and you just don't think you will make it, will absolutely positively without question become the day that the dog runs away, the power goes out, your basement floods, your car won't start, and your hair catches fire. Not even kidding. I used to think that these kinds of things were just funny things parents said for attention or sympathy. But no. They say it because it's true. You have been warned.

* Guilt and worry are your new BFF's. At least they are for me, and most of my mommy-friends. I remember being out-of-my-mind worried about SIDS. Here you are with your beautiful, brand new bundle of joy, and all of the experts are warning you about the very real possibility that your baby could suddenly and without cause, die. It is a very real and tragic occurrence for many families, so it is worth worrying about. But it doesn't stop there. Each new stage brings new worries. And the guilt. OH, the GUILT. Are you a working mom? You'll feel guilty for being away from your child. Stay-at-home-mom? You'll feel guilty for not helping to provide financially. Get a little bored with the same-old-mundane-every-day routine? You'll feel guilty for not "cherishing every moment". Live close to grandparents? You'll feel guilty for how often you ask them to watch the kids. Live far away from grandparents? You'll feel guilty for how infrequently they get to see the kids. You catch my drift. Whatever you do, you will always wonder if you could have done it differently or better. That is part of the gig, and part of the great adventure.

What kinds of things do you wish you knew before becoming a parent? Let me know in the comments below!

Surprises

In late December of 2011 I became a mom for the first time. The word "miraculous" does not even begin to describe what that was like. You can ask me more about this if you want to either a) see me cry, or b) hear lots of gory details that you probably didn't want to know. But I am shameless about the fact that I love to tell her (our) birth story. The nine long months prior to that were filled with nausea, fears, restless nights, cravings, impatience, more fears, and learning how to respond to the tactless yet bold things people say to pregnant women (my favorite was from a woman I hardly knew who looked me up and down and then tried to guess how much weight I'd gained). But in addition to the bothersome aspects, pregnancy also brought an ever increasing anticipation, daydreams about singing my baby to sleep, holding her in my arms, and playing with her all day every day. I was given the gift of being able to conceive and carry a child. I am and will forever be grateful to experience that miracle.

That said, I had no real idea what it meant to be a parent. Who of us does before we have children of our own? I imagined it being fun to have a child of my own, but I also imagined that it would be virtually all hard. It would mean little to no sleep. It would mean giving up any shred of independence and spontaneity for the necessary evils of changing dirty diapers and being home by 7:00 pm. It would mean sacrifice on a grander level than I had ever experienced or imagined. Now, granted, all of that was true. I was up to my elbows in baby poo. I was sleep deprived to the point of delirium (and our baby was a good sleeper)! I even remember a time when a friend told me that she had a new baby niece, and my next question to her was to ask if it was a boy or a girl. I remember the intense emptiness I felt those first few weeks and months as I grappled with my new role as the primary life-sustainer for this tiny innocent human being and clung to my sanity by a thread.

What I did not imagine was how much indescribable joy would saturate my life the night Shiloh was born. It was instantaneous. From the first moment they put her on my chest I was madly in love and totally enamored with that baby girl. The moment after that moment I was yelling, "What's a girl gotta do to get a cheeseburger around here?! I am STARVING!" True story. Pushing a human out of your body will really take it out of you. No pun intended. Plus they don't let you eat while you're in labor. I guess they figure that you're already all jacked up with hormones and delirious from the pain so why bother with feeding you? Anyway...I digress.

The truth is that I was surprised by how much I simply enjoy being a mom. I am fulfilled in a deep and gratifying way every time I hold my girl. She is the spitting image of her daddy and that in and of itself brings me joy. The role of Mommy fits me and I love it. My priorities are very clear in my job as a mom: Shiloh comes first. Everything else comes second. I can do that.

"What has been the most surprising thing to you about being a mom?" It seems to be a question I get a lot. My answer is usually the same. The first part is what I've already said about the enjoyment and fulfillment I get from being someone's momma. The second part is that I am consistently surprised by how quickly being with your child can go from the height of happiness to the height of frustration in 0.5 seconds flat. One second we are cuddling on the couch together having a moment of tranquil mother-daughter bonding and the next second she is screaming at the top of her lungs, throwing a full-blown tantrum because I will not let her have some of my Diet Coke. From contentment to contention in less than 2 seconds. As I am writing this I'm realizing that it is not all that different from those very first few moments after giving birth: dreamy, yet ravenous. As the late great Rich Mullins said, "Our hells and our heavens are so few inches apart." It is true in so many ways.